FUCKING HELL this has had me pissed off for a long time.

 

Right, well as a lot of you might know, Filelodge decided they suddenly and magically did not want to host files anymore, or work at all, for that matter. End result? No ones fucking space had any music.

 

So sitting here at 6am, I decided I MUST HAVE THE MUSIC BACK!

 

And so I went on a hunt for a new file storage service, finally settling for fileden.com after going through much shit, such as box.com and others which are absolutely fuckall horse turd and designed to scam you.

 

Right Im still new with fileden so lets see how things go! Hopefully they'll rise to take the esteemed position filelodge held in my eyes before they decided to fuck me over.

 

Bastards.

 

And yes I have nothing further to say. And yes, living in England has drastically increased my propensity to curse. Fuck.

 

~Zo

Right, well Ive been thinking about this for a while, and I think maybe its time I moved my blog? Currently Im thinking of getting a MySpace spruced up and ready for the big transition...

 

Anyone got any suggestions? Like how to navigate the fucker? Seriously html technology is far too complicated...

Jeez, its been another month and a bit since I've written in! I have absolutely no idea why, though.

 

Im going through this really strange phase in my life, where I want to write, but can't seem to put anything down. It's like Im clean out of ideas, but Im not, because I do get blinding bursts of insight that drive me near insanity, but now when I stare at that blank word processor page with the little cursor blinking in the ecstatic wait for my writing, I havent a clue what to say, how to say it, or even why I should say it.

 

I guess I've lost sight of that original 'thing' that drove me forward. My source and my fuel. I never knew what it was, I just took it for granted. I thought for a very long time that my writing was fueled by depression; when I was down, I could escape my own world better and immerse myself in the world of my characters, and paint out their lives with the colour of words.

 

So yeah, I dont need depression to do it. I'm doing it now, arent I? Typing as fast as words are coming to my head, trying to slow my chain of thought enough, or speed my fingers up enough, so that everything reaches a strange level of synchronisation. And its working for me isnt it? I dunno.

 

You're parents dont lie to you when they tell you that there will be plenty of time to fuck around when you're older, so dont mess up during your A levels or GCSE's. I never believed them. I always figured, fuck, university is going to be fuck hard. How deluded was I. I barely do ANYTHING in a day, and its surprising, because my days seem to pass fairly rapidly. Mostly because of Youtube im reckoning.

 

That website is the bane of man. Seriously, I know its really nice of everyone to put all those things up to share with the world, but dont you know some of us have no life and no self control, and sit at the computer for hours on end stariing mindlessly at your foolish prattle? And then we grunt a laugh and say "well im not stupid enough to do something as stupid as said guy in video" but you're actually sitting on your  ass and you last looked at the clock at what you think was 10 minutes ago, but by some strange twist of chronography, its now 3 hours in the future? Talk about back to the fucking future.

 

Another thing thats really pissing me off; female mentality. I swear to god I dont even want to go into this rant, its just so stupid and un-understandable and GAH! Why couldnt I just be gay? I mean seriously, Ive been punished by being made heterosexual. God seriously has it out for me and he wants to see his monkey minions cry and shout and scream.

 

Or maybe Im just a litttttlle bit defunct. Ahem.

 

Student Halls can FUCK OFF. Seriously. Fucking hell, I thought these places were nice and shit. Turns out, they're scamming little bastards who look for every opportunity to take a few pounds off you. It starts very innocently; charging 20p extra for coke and candy, and a little bit more extra for condoms. 10p extra for cigarettes. That kind of shit.

 

And then? Hey presto, some idiot sets fire to our communal kitchen. The wall is blackened. Some woman who hasnt seen a penis in 20 years shows up and instantly says it needs to be repainted. Fuck that. We make and effort and clean the whole fucking ceiling, cleaner than when we got it! We cleaned it so much that we cleaned the other parts that hadnt been affected by the soot too because they looked a little yellow compared to our fuckoff white cleaned areas.

 

The next morning the clever woman who has a double ended donkey dildo (yes the same woman who hasnt seen penis in 20 years) orders a troupe of minion workers to scrub the ceiling with a special 'chemical' so that its not poisonous.

 

Fucking hell. Since when has soot been poisonous? I dont recall stories of boy scout groups being found dead because they had a campfire. I dont recall anyone dying because they ate chargrilled food. Fucking hell, soot is CARBON. We are MADE of carbon. We BREATHE IN CARBON. ALL THE TIME. Capslock is not getting across my level of distaste.

 

Anyway, ceiling scrubbed, they decide to bill us 95 pounds. After we did all of their work for them. Im just about ready to show that woman some penis. Its going to be the first one she's seen in a long time and Im going to slap her across the forehead with it.

 

OK, so thats my rant, over and out. I'll see y'all on the other side. And if you find my misery remotely enjoyable or relateable to, leave a message so I know you care:) That way I wont burn this building to the ground.

 

Toodles!

~Zo

Wow so its been what, almost a month since I've last written in? Jesus, thats a long time!

 

I guess my total disappearance warrants some explanation; Ive just been happy with life.

 

One of the most invaluable motivators I had towards writing was that I'd always have something or the other on my mind; some kind of worry or fear which I could channel into writing. But I've not been in love for a while now, and I've pretty much learned to love the single life (that needs no further clarification!). And University is going good and Im loving spending time with my new friends. All in all, I can say shits pretty good for me!

 

I'll throw a few updates your way though;

 

firstly, yes, Im still a chronic insomniac. It is currently 4:39am *huurk!*

 

secondly, Im pissed off because the UK doesnt sell Mountain Dew. Ive been craving the good dew for a few days now and I cant find any of the fucking shit anywhere but online... FUCK! I think Im going to have to order some, which is really sad I guess...buying soda online...whats the world coming to?!

 

thirdly, Student Direct has become the centre role of my writing life. The newspaper is a vast being that eats away all my time and ability! I havent written a single page of my books in over a month. Its a fucking disgrace!

 

Im tired of going firstly secondly and thirdly so ill just continue normally now!:P (plus I dont think 'fourthly' would be grammatically correct!)

 

Anywho so yes, Ive gotten a job at Nandos. Its well fun, grilling tons of chicken and prancing around infront of a grill that threatens to singe my face off every time I lean close.

 

Umm lifes generally good, as Ive mentioned. Lorenzo my flatmate sat me down today and told me how thankful he was that he found a friedn as awesome as me. Normally this would make my head swell but I feel exactly the same way towards him haha. We're awesome I think its emerging love:p

 

ahem.

 

On a more heterosexual note, I have decided I need to act more and wonder less. Theres a really cute girl I do law with and I intend to ask her out. So nyah *sticks tongue out*

 

Ofcourse she's probably going to say no but THATS NOT THE POINT! The point is that I must try as the experience and skill it builds shall be useful for later encounters.

 

God Im so full of crap.

 

Right this entry has not been productive, nor entertaining. I recommend you all denounce me and go about your own lives.

 

Toodles!

~Zo

Hey everyone!

 

Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, and Happy Eid! Sorry all of these greetings are so late! I've just not had much time to drop in here; to sit online in fact!

 

 

Anyway hope everyone is well! Keep smiling and just remember, even if like me, you had something of a bad start to the year, doesnt matter!

 

Whats important is how a thing ends, not how it begins! So work at it and make sure 2007 is good for you!

 

 

Regards,

Zo

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you're all having an amazing time wherever it is that you are, and watch out for stray snowballs or strange heatstrokes!

 

Right, that said, woohoo, Im having the time of my life back here in Jeddah. The fun part is that Im not doing ANYTHING different from when I used to live here till September, but its still tons of fun.

 

Kareem and Taha are fun to be with as usual. And as usual we bitch about everything under the sun, argue and bicker like children, draw strange conclusions, act very gay, and all in all laugh so much that our sides ache. This includes Kareem waking me up the day before yesterday by dry humping me. And then Awais' shrill broken voice shrieks as he pretended to spank everyones booty. Then ofcourse theres all the old jokes, and all the walking around malls and the Al Baik, and the Titanium, and smoking all those shishas, and the Starbucks frapachinos we'd get.

 

God I miss it here.

 

 

And the SUN. OMG I love the sun. Never have I been so grateful for a day where my shadow is so intensely dark that it hurts my eyes to look back up from it. And Ive missed driving around all the time!

 

Hossam and Shaz got the new Chevy Caprice, and thats been a nice piece of cake so far. Except it has too much technology, so I cant get anythign to work...specifically the stereo or the airconditioning!

 

Bought a new PC, lots of clothes, and probably buying a new MP3 player. Im thinking the Microsoft Zune. God, that fucker is so beautiful the display on it is driving me crazy. iPod can go screw itself!

 

 

Ughh I had so much to say, but now I cant remember any of it! But yeah, Im having a really, really good time, and please don't go jinx it because I think I deserve this after a horrible term! Muahaha.

 

Oh and it pays to be away from girls and alcohol for a while :D really makes you feel good! lol.

 

 

Ok everyone, y'all take care and keep having fun.

 

And smile lots!

 

Merry Christmas again, and I hope you all have a wonderful New Year!

 

~Zo

Im pretty much sick and tired about people not appreciating Fernando Torres for the God appointed status he has in the footballing world as a...well...demi God.

 

I mean if you look at it in a scale, there would be:

 

God -> The Prophets -> Mother Teresa -> Fernando Torres -> Me -> The Guy That Invented The "Have A Nice Day" Smiley T-Shirts.

 

 

No but seriously though, I was at this rock club (yeah ok dont slap me! The music was undanceable to but the place was alright!). Anyway so Im at this rock club and this weird girl comes and starts whispering in my ear...well, shouting in all honesty. It was just that loud! I figured hey, heres someone that wants to play a little tickle-and-spank, but then I made out two clear words.

 

She was poking me in the chest, pointing at my shirt, and screaming "Xabi Alonso wooooooo!" in my ear in a very drunken way. I was ofcourse wearing my 2006 World Cup Spain top; the red one with the lovely yellow stripes. Incidentally, it look great if worn over a gray fullsleeve, but we can discuss fashion tips later!

 

Back to topic.

Damn Liverpool fans!

 

No in all honesty, I dont have anything against Liverpool fans. Gerrard is a terrific shot, and Bellamy is a half good striker when he isn't caught up in assault charges concerning 19 year old girls in Cardiff nightclubs... but shhh we musn't talk ill of the Welsh! Particularly because Marged is apt to smashing my head in with a coconut.

 

But yeah, seriously though, WHY is it that Fernando Torres is not given that degree of love:( I mean lets look at statistics.

 

Xabi Alonso; playing since 1999. Has scored 9 goals with Real Sociadad, 6 for Liverpool, and 1 for Spain internationally since his 2003 debut.

Fernando Torres; playing since 2002. Has scored 65 goals for Athletico Madrid, and 14 for Spain internationally since his 2003 debut.

 

 

Maybe the difference is so vast because Torres is a striker while Alonso is a very talented midfielder? Who knows. But still, he deserves more respect. It made my heart swell with joy when I saw a guy wearing a Fernando Torres Spain shirt on the street. Why can't we all look past the Spanish footballers that have made english debuts? Like Alonso, Reyes, Garcia, and Reina? Torres will hopefully be with Manchester United from next season and Im hoping that within a few months, you'll be able to find Torres posters aplenty.

 

And Im not bitter. I just think talent should be appreciated.

 

'Nuff said.

 

~Zo

 

 

The title of this entry is in fact in relation to the metaphorical house of cards I have gradually been building around myself. And like any house of cards, we know it won't last, but we still keep going because we don't want to stop.

 

As a person, I find myself still evolving, which is saying something really, because I always figured I'd be the same person I was or am. And how have I changed? Well I really can't put a finger on it really.

 

 

I've started caring more about my own happiness. Its something my friend Saad would always tell me; that I should stop caring about everyone else and just care about me. And I think the time has come where I've just been hurt by so many people I've stopped caring.

 

 

And its funny because the people you really really do care for just dont care about you. And you don't care much for the people that care about you. And its sad and its wrong and a whole host of vile words can be associated, but is it really so bad to want to be happy?

 

Am I really being selfish if I decide I want to be myself and stop putting myself on the line for people who just dont appreciate me? And doesnt wanting that appreciation limit the piety of the act anyway?

 

So as you can tell, I am a very confused young boy.

 

 

But I've decided I need to try to be happy. And I refuse to throw myself in the path of trains to shield other people. We all break some time and I don't want to break. Not ever again.

 

This has been something of a depressing entry, but just spilling it out is making me feel better. Hopefully the next time my glass is full of my miseries I'll be able to spill it out again. But till then, Im going to try hard to limit the misery factor.

 

 

A general note to Kareem: I am now addicted to Iced Tea. I hate you, you trend setting bastard.

 

Right Im going to go off and try to do something with my life that isnt destructive or positive; it just is.

 

I'll see you all in happier times. Or sadder ones. Whichever way the clock turns I guess.

 

Toodles.

 

~Zo

 

P.s. because I may have depressed some of you by this entry, heres a little cheer up gift :D

 

 

Please love this guy as much as I do!

Dont let the title fool you. This entry has nothing whatsoever to do with smartness. Infact, if you have an IQ of above 120, you should probably look away right now, otherwise you risk losing brain cells.

 

 

 

Right, so today my phone decided it needed to add a new misery to my life. My phone, of course, is pretty much an appendage of my body. Like my penis, except I get to use it more often and randomly annoy people with it without having to go to jail for indecent exposure or sexual harrassment.

 

...

 

 

Moving on.

 

So yes anyway, today my phone decided it would go schitzo. I did not panic however, because it has happened to me but twice before, in the space of this year alone. Which makes me a very sad boy. But yes, everytime my phone would go crazy, I would take it to Axiom Telecom, the dudes i bought it off, and theyd repair it under its lovely 5 year warranty. But every time they'd do that, I would lose ALL the contacts on my phone.

 

 

So yes I did something smart. Its not really smart, but considering that it was me that did it, yes it was a very smart idea spawned from a very weak and feeble brain. I created a list of all my contacts on my PC and syncronized it with my phone. So yaaaaayyyyy every time I hook my phone up to my PC i can update the contact list on the PC and the phone and that makes me a happy, happy boy.

 

 

 

Oh. Other than that, nothing new really. Its 4:24 am, so for all my original readers; timezone shifting has really not changed my weird sleeping habits!

 

 

Ciaó everyone! And remember, do smart shit because it makes you feel good, and for no reason else!

 

~Zo

My friend Sophie said something really interesting today.

 

She stumbled upon this very blog, and she asked me if I wrote it as an attempt to gain attention.

 

 

Now thats something I would have to deny in its entirety. I mean, sure, I want people to read this blog, and I enjoy it when they do, but no way in hell do I actually write here just to gain attention! I do it for myself and my own piece of mind.

 

But could it be that subconsciously I really do want people to read this and notice me for who I am? Is that why I make an effort to keep the place updated, and is that why my heart leaps everytime I get a bunch of visitors?

 

I havent a clue. But rather than doubting myself, Im going to say the same thing I said when I first started writing.

 

I write for myself, and for no one else. And the day I find that I dont write for my own needs anymore, Im going to stop writing.

 

 

Sorry, this was something of a serious entry, but hey, coconut milkshakes!

 

Theres your humour:P

 

take care all! laugh, go on, laugh you bastards. laugh at my randomness! lol

 

~Zo

Strawberry Peri Peri Sauce! And Chilli Ice Cream!

 

 

 

Right now that I've gotten your attention, Id just like to say a few things!

 

 

I hate you all:p muahaha!

 

Nah, Im just kidding! I was actually going over my statistics the other day, and wow, ive surpassed the 7000 hits mark! Thats 7000 visitors to this silly thing I call a blog! And to think its only been around for a little over a year!

 

Wow everyone, I really am grateful you like it so much! Even though no one ever comments! *glares*

 

No but seriously, its been a long journey, getting from where I started to where I am now. Seen many things, experienced even more. And I'd like to think I've really developed as a person!

 

Some people will remember me as the really shy guy that would blush if a girl talked to him! Others will remember me as the absolute pervert that I was! Others still (and hopefully a majority!) will think of how Im a nice guy!

 

And you know when you're playing those balancing games; you need to balance JUST right, not too much to either side or you'll tip over? I think the person I am now is my balancing point, and I hope I can stay this way!

 

So if anyone notices that Ive started becoming very bitchy or very emotional or very horny....

 

well, first things first, hit me because I am a bitch.

 

And secondly, just remind me from time to time that I can be someone so much better :D

 

 

Heres to hoping for another 7000 visits from you lovely people out there!

 

Stay save, and I love you all!

 

~Zo

 

 

errm well i meant to write something in today; or rather, just now, but bleh, my ranty spirit is sort of on strike at the moment so im just going to be a bitch and whine for a while.

 

 

You know sometimes you think you've found something really special? And you think wow this is great. And you build up a great hype about it, but then when it doesnt happen you feel shattered for the whole of an hour, but then ur okay again?

 

Ok maybe everyone doesnt feel that way about life. Ive always held something of a cut and run policy. When it gets to hard to keep going, cut your losses and get out sharpish. Maybe it makes me a bit of a coward but I think its better than getting yourself hurt. So i never trust too much and I never expect too much, and thats the end of it!

 

Right now im just raving. Im starting a new story; something to look forward too!

 

I'll see you all on the other side. No thats not a weird euphamism for talking about death; I was just quoting Tom Hanks from Saving Private Ryan:p

 

~Zo

 

P.S. oh and im making some changes to the structure of my space! Hopefully finally sort the counter out! Its showing 6000 something hits for my space, but ive had over 7000 now and the silly bitch is just lagging! grr! Ill try and get some video on too!

Hmm its been a while now since I've written in! I guess I've just been so busy that even when the thought to write in did cross my mind, I sort of had to put it on the back shelf for a while.

 

And then ofcourse, theres the fact that at times I didnt feel like writing anything at all.

 

Writing for me is like a part of my soul; its how I communicate and how I express myself. How I talk to those around me. So what do you do at times when you really dont want to talk to anyone?

 

And suddenly I find myself unable to write.

 

Ive come to an interesting conclusion really. I think I need therapy! Im too confused about my life, and what I want from it. Im too confused with the relationships I have, had, and want to have. And ofcourse, because it all winds back to this complex of mine, being single is killing me slowly.

 

The biggest problem in a persons life is to not be appreciated for who you are and what you do. Its one of those things that make cubicle-office men go postal and take a shotgun to their collegues. So yeah, if you boil it down to its bony dregs, thats the main problem in my life too. I feel unappreciated. No one pats me on the back for a good deed; no one stops to say hello or bothers to pay attention.

 

A few days ago this man on crutches tripped in a hole in the sidewalk and I was the only person that stopped to help him back to his feet. Yesterday a girl was trying to get her drunk friend to a cab; I helped her move her and find a cab. There was a girl trying to get mud off her shoes; I stopped and offered her some tissues. There was this girl waiting in line with me at the ATM. It was raining and she was shivering and holding her jacket above her head. I offered her my umbrella and held it over her most of the time because I was wearing a heavy jacket anyway.

 

These are just some of the things that come to my mind, having done in the past week or so. I know that the nobility of the action is not to get thanks and appraise for it afterwards, but I dont know. I feel too materialistic and worldly. I want the praise. I want someone to appreciate the things I do. And then I feel guilty for wanting those things.

 

My friend Andy would say im TOO nice. but then again, nice people dont really have such a base greed do they, huh?

 

All of this adds to the confusion that is me. I dont know who I am, so I look to other people to define me. And who better to turn to than a girlfriend; someone that showers affection on you at all times....

 

 

Ugh ok this is getting really out of context here; I was just meaning to apologize for not writing in since forever and I got side tracked!

 

Take care everyone! And when my book comes out, buy it! It'll help pay for my psychiatrist!

 

Toodles,

 

~Zo

Right, well as you've probably noticed, I've changed the music on my space!

 

I present South Normal, an up and coming band from Detroit (thats in the US, people:P)

 

Anyway this song is No More Songs About Girls.

 

And its a song for anyone thats had their heart broken :P I totally support the cause! No more songs about girls!!

 

Feel free to go check their site out :D and you can read up on their bio what their music is all about!

 

 

Take care y'all,

 

Happy listening!

 

~Zo

Just imagine me and a tall guy with a heavy italian accent having this conversation:P

 

and then the conversation just went downhill lol.

 

I burnt my hand horribly, disfiguring myself permanently today.

 

No seriously. I was stupid enough to stick my hand in the oven and for that I was punished.

I have now permanently been branded on the back of my left hand with an extremely straight line.

 

Doesnt look half bad really. Still, I miss having smooth, unscarred skin.

 

Oh well.

 

 

Your's lamentfully,

~Zo

 

Hey everyone, long time no see!

 

Sorry I just havent had any time to get my ass online and write here. Infact I havent had time to write much at all! Lol

 

life has been hectic, running about a lot, going out, watching movies, trying to survive on weird junk food. you know, university life:p

 

So far, been enjoying it tremendously!

 

Oh and Im writing for the University of Manchester newspaper now, Student Direct. Its the largest university newspaper in the UK. Not bad huh?:p

 

Anyway everyone, take care, and if you miss me, bloody well act like it and leave me a message! Give me a reason to return!:p

 

Cheers everyone,

 

G'night!

 

~Zo

Right well as a lot of you may or may not know, it is illegal to watch TV in the UK without having a TV Licence (yes that means those free to air channels you get are actually paid for via licence. Sucks I know, but its the law).

 

Anyway so a lot of you will have noticed the new TV Licence advertisements that they have put up in hotmail, especially when your email inbox opens up. And the SCANDALOUS SLOGANS!

 

Heres a few of them:

 

There once was a student called Nick,

who was renowned for his very large....

Flat screen TV which he had to sell to pay

a fine for not having a licence.

 

There once was a student called Rex,

who was exhausted after a long night of....

partying when he was awoken at 8am by

an Enforcement Officer knocking on his door

 

There once was a student called Procter,

who was so worried he went to the....

TV licencing website to get a licence.

 

There once was a student called Meg,

who slipped up and broke a...

law by not making the mistake of thinking

her parents TV licence covered her at Uni.

 

There once was a student called Vish,

who got slapped around the chops with a....

1000 pound fine, because he got prosecuted for

TV Licence evasion.

 

There once was a student called Bob,

when he was nervous he fiddled with his...

keys, which is what he did when an Enforcement Officer

took his statement.

 

There once was a student called Lars,

who was renowned for scratching his...

head in amazement that we could detect a

TV being watched within 20 seconds.

 

There once was a student called Danni,

who had a large blemish on her...

character after being taken to court for

watching TV without a licence.

 

 

 

Right well if the TV licencing people fail to create awareness of TV licences with this campaign, Ill eat my unlicenced television set:P Seriously though, I think sexual contexts should be toned down just a tad bit. After all, we do live in a society that has CHILDREN in it.

 

ahem. what a feeble rant. cmon lets all go see what the next one is.

~Zo

 

Bloody hell, I finally finished this story!

 

I started it like... a few months ago! But mostly because of my laziness and the fact that I am a chronically depressed person, I just never got round to finishing it!

 

Well, its finally done. I have to say, I think its absolutely crap. mostly because it took me so long to write, i lost most of the original innovation that drove me towards this kind of a story. But thats just me.

 

Your opinion is yours ofcourse.

 

Take care all.

Zo

 

---

 

Penitence

 

           A jet of cold water splashed down on me, deadening my nerves, causing me to jerk awake, gasping for breath.

            起來!

            The guard kicked me hard in my stomach, and I groaned, as already sore muscles went into another violent contraction. I spat out the small amount of blood that had collected in my mouth on the stone floor, and blinked, trying to adjust my eyes to the sudden appearance of light beyond the door.

            在您的脚, 间谍! Two more dark shadows materialized out of the light, and hauled me up to my feet. My knees gave way and I stumbled. Promptly, something hit me hard in my stomach, causing me to clench my teeth, as spittle flew out. My feet were dragging across the rough stone slates of a dimly lit corridor. The walls were stone too, and bare light bulbs hung every dozen feet, casting dull light.

            They pulled me into a room darker than my cell and put me in a steel chair stained with dried blood. The pulled my arms behind my back and fastened them to the chair. A bright light came on over head, causing spots to appear in my eyes.

            I coughed a few times, trying to regain regular breathing. A man slowly walked into the shadows beyond the bright light, his outline barely visible. I closed my eyes. I knew what was coming.

            谁您服务为? He spoke calmly, and I strained to understand something. Anything. Time passed. He laughed, then motioned to a man behind me. A bucket of hot water was tipped over my head. I screamed as the water scalded me. It was a strange sensation. It deadened the pain somewhat. But then it returned in full force, and I sat shuddering, straining against my shackled wrists, wanting to fall forward on the ground and die.

            More time passed. The man's footsteps wrung loud on the stone. Slowly he turned back to face me; or rather, his silhouette did. "Why do you pretend to not understand?"

            I blinked. That was the first time I had understood what they said since…I couldn’t remember how long I'd been there. I didn’t know where there was. I could hardly remember anything before waking up in the stone cell I woke to everyday.

            I didn’t remember coming to China. That’s where they said I was. I didn’t remember anything before China. I couldn’t remember my name, or any one else's. All I could remember was a red ball, bouncing on a concrete driveway.

 

 

 

 

            They would bring me out, day after day, beating me mercilessly. I would cry myself to sleep at night, the cold stone floor the only comfort against the welts on my skin. Every day, the same thing would happen, and I knew I would die here. They would ask me questions, again and again. I couldn’t understand.

 

 

为什么您是在中国? They tied me to a chair that day, and tore of my shirt. A man came and roughly ran a razor over parts of my chest and torso, nicking me and shaving the hair carelessly. A second came, dumping a bucket of water over my head. The first brought back a pair of  thick needles, connected to wires, leading off to somewhere I could not see. I realized what he was going to do. "No, please. Please, don’t!" I cried for my life, tears streaking my already wet face. The man roughly held me down, and pushed the two needles under my skin. I shouted in pain. I don’t know for how long, and I think I passed out.

            A second bucket was emptied over my head. I blinked, trying to get the freezing water out of my eyes. The pain in my chest numbed slightly in the cold, but not enough for me to ignore the sharp metal protruding, wires leading off somewhere.

            The slow sound of footsteps was all I heard on the floor. The cold, stone floor. I yearned for it, back in my cell, the only place where I knew I was going to be safe, if only for a while.

击中他以六十伏特.

            A steady buzzing filled my ears and my body seized up as electric currents ran over me. I struggled to scream. My tongue clung to the roof of my mouth, my throat emitting a deep guttural sound. I struggled to breath. Control of my body evaded me and I soiled myself.

 

And then it was over. And again. And again.

 

           

 

            They dragged me back to the cell, leaving me lying in the center as the door, the only source of light, closed on me. I began to cry. The red ball bouncing. It was all I could remember. I swear, it was all I could remember.

            My hand raised and fell, raised and fell, and it took me a while to realize I was mimicking the motion of the red ball. Bouncing away. My hand, slapping off the cold floor. The red ball. The red hand, stained with my dried blood. I began to laugh and cry. I don’t know which first. I don’t know which last.

 

 

 

            "Honey, look! David is walking!"

            I awoke with a start and I felt I almost remembered something. Something important. And as I grasped desperately at the fleeting memory of a dream, it slipped from me too. I was still on the cold floor. I tried to move, but my body protested. I lay there, looking above me at the damp roof. I thought I could hear rain somewhere. I thought I could almost feel the sunlight on my face. I could imagine it all when I closed my eyes. I laughed hoarsely, then began to cry again.

            "Oh my God! James, David is out on the street!"

            I jumped up from the table, dropping my mug of coffee to the ground as I ran full sprint out of the front door towards the street. I could see little David, running after his red ball as it bounced forward. He laughed, carefree.

            Horrified, I looked up the street as a car swerved into the lane. David was hidden behind a parked car. The driver wouldn’t see him until it was too late.

            I ran forward screaming for David to come back. Behind me I could hear Grace screaming too, as she struggled forward behind me, her six months pregnant body not agreeing with her.

            I got to the curb and was about to leap forward. And then I realized something, in the tiniest fraction of a second before I leapt.

            If I jumped, I could push David ahead and save him maybe, but I would die. If I didn’t move, David would die and I would be saved.

            Suddenly, my body seized up. I couldn’t move. I could hear Grace screaming behind me but I just stood rooted on the spot as I watched the black sedan hit my five year old son.

            I watched his little red ball, bouncing to the other side of the street. A ball he'd never play with again.

 

 

 

            I wailed loudly as my tears came, the memory of losing David returning afresh. I screamed in anguish, wishing to God I could turn back time and just jump. Fucking jump.

            看如他准备好谈话。

            The key jingled loudly in the lock and the door flew open, flooding my small cell with light. I blinked away tears and clawed hopelessly at the ground, the cold ground of the cell, my only refuge, but the guards dragged me out of the door and towards another interrogation chamber.

            They sat me down on another cold, metal chair, strapping my arms and feet down. I looked around wildly, trying to see what they would throw my way. I heard footsteps approaching and then a voice spoke.

            是您准备好... talk now, spy?

            "Huh? What did you say?" Slowly, knowledge was coming back to me. The languages I knew, the people I worked for. The faces of those I had killed and the jobs I was to do for my government. I smiled slightly.

            The interrogator leaned forward.

            I said, are you ready to talk now, spy?

            I grinned, a mad glint coming into my eye as darker knowledge flooded into my head. Cramming it full, making it hurt. And the red ball. The red ball was still bouncing.

            I looked the interrogator in the eye and slowly whispered something incoherent.

            What was that? He leaned forward and suddenly I lunged forward, biting with my teeth. He screamed as he fell backwards, trying to clutch at his torn throat where I had bitten a chunk free. I twisted my arms into very precise motions, wrenching them free of the inferior straps. One of the two guards in the room leapt forward, swinging a baton my way while the other made for the exit, screaming for assistance. I grabbed the first mans arm as he swung, twisting his wrist till I heard the melodious crack. He dropped the baton and with my free hand, I threw it precisely, striking the second man on the back of the head, causing him to collapse in a heap. I pulled the first man by the arm towards my chair, hacking him in the throat with tenses fingers. He collapsed to the floor, gasping for the last breaths he would ever take.

            Calmly I undid the straps on my legs and stood up. My body was in pain but I had been taught to ignore it. I was focused. But all I could think about was the red ball, bouncing. 

            I walked to the second guard, turning him over onto his back. He was dazed, and I fixed that by stamping on his face repeatedly. My foot was slick with his blood and I wiped it on his jacket before reaching down for his set of keys.

            The interrogator was still gurgling, blood spilling between the hands he had pressed to his throat. I knelt forward and pulled him to his feet.

            He rasped to me. Who…who are you? What do you want?

            I smiled. I knew what I had to do. I dragged him to the chair and sat him down roughly. I leaned over to the small metallic table beside, reaching for a large cleaver. I held each of his hands out, chopping them. He screamed and wailed for mercy, but I would not give it. I strapped him in and stuck the pins for the electrocution equipment into his chest, turned it to full voltage and let him sizzle and cook, his eyes popping and skin burning.

            I clambered out of the prison building. How, I don’t know. But I kept moving, towards the evac point that would undoubtedly be waiting for me, regardless of the situation I may have landed myself in. What was important was done. All that was left was the red ball bouncing. The one thing I could not forgive myself for. The one thing I had to keep living for, as an eternal punishment.

 

 

End.

 

 

           

 

I see dead people.

 

 

 

 

Well no, not really, but that makes a catchy phrase to kick off with doesnt it? Heh heh.

 

Ooh where to start? Umm university life has been interestingly good so far! Learned a lot of stuff and made a lot of new friends. Lorenzo has been taunting us with his lovely italian pastas (and he's teaching us italian too:p vafunçoolo! (I have no idea how to spell it! But its pronounced va-funk-oo-low) meaning fuck off:p muahaha

 

And ofcourse lurking around in the middle of the night to my friend Faris's room to have eggs or something lol.

 

Its just nothing like being back home. The hours are free. You can do what you want to in your time. Basically everything is your call lol.

Umm I should get going, have a class tomorrow morning. Law has so far managed to rape me royally in that I have a mountain of work to do it just keep with the class:(

 

and tomorrow I have to sell my ass to the student newspaper to hopefully get a job eeeeeeeeeeeeeek. lol.

 

Anyway I will keep you all updated as to my progress here! In the meanwhile heres a nice picture of my dorm room lol. My lovely shoebox:D

 

 

With love from Manchesta!

~Zohaib

 

P.S. the plant is Andy's , who was away for the weekend. Thus, my room is even more desolate regularly:P I need to put some stuff up on the walls to liven it up! Any suggestions?

Wooo well Ive been here in Manchester for a few days now, and I have to say, its pretty much amazing. Lol The first day I got in, I was a little iffish about it. Didnt like my room much, didnt really know anyone, and I was pretty wasted from the flight. A night of sleep changed all that. Its friggin amazing now. Having a wonderful time, made some new friends. Walking around a lot, eating healthy. You know, that kind of stuff:p

 

The parties are amazing, though yeah its not exactly as wild as you'd expect at clubs. Infact theres a pretty decent semblance of decency in people, even when theyre jam packed together in a tiny place!

 

Um yeah the city is expensive but not all that really, if you manage your money! The clubs are top notch and could easily compare to London at a fraction of the prices.

 

Tonight was actually pyjamas night, so Im still a bit dazed from seeing too many girls in tiny baby shorts and stuff lol. The things girls sleep in! *brrrr* lol but hey, you have to admit, they do look sexy:p

 

Umm havent had time to put some pictures up, but i'll get down to it soon enough, worry not!

 

~Zo